Striking Back Against the Uncooperative Brain
As Professor Santos tells the class very early in the course, the old(!) G.I. Joe cartoons were wrong when they told us “Knowing is half the battle.” It would be great if this was true. If simply being aware of our mental biases got us 50% of the way to fixing them, an entire industry of self-help would collapse in a smoldering heap of calorie counters, meditation mats and copies of “The Secret”.
However, it is actually a tough slog. Because your mind likes to take the easy way out and conserve energy, you have to intentionally fight back against “default mode”. That is a powerful word, intention. The practices discussed in week four involve setting some new intentions and acting on them. Not just once, but repeatedly until they become a habit that will elevate our levels of happiness.
- Invest in Experiences, Not Things
“Awesome stuff” like a fancy new car doesn’t make you happy. Santos quotes Dan Gilbert: “That car will stay around long enough to disappoint you.” Investing in experiences however, provides multiple benefits. We can anticipate a great concert, enjoy it while we are there, and then share fun memories with those who were there or would appreciate the story.
There are a lot of experiences that don’t require much money, if any. Hikes, picnics, playing in the snow with your kids are all examples of cheap intangible fun. So swapping out the acquisition of stuff for creating experiences can make us happier while saving money, which ultimately gives us even more time and resources to have fun.
Experiences are also more difficult to compare, so the types of social comparisons that make us less happy aren’t as much of a factor.
- Change your Focus
Stopping to really savour something like a cup of hot black coffee is more happiness-generating than just distractedly doing our work and then tipping up our cups and being surprised to see the sad little ring on the bottom.
It’s about focus and settling into the present moment, without comparisons to our expectations or scrambling off to future concerns.
On the topic of savouring, Santos discusses capturing the moment on film to enjoy later so you can prolong your enjoyment. However, she warns that the intent of capturing the moment is important. Savouring – good. Pulling you out of the moment – bad, as is capturing the moment for “unhappy” purposes (like posting to Instagram for social comparison).
- Reliving Happy Memories
Nestling into a really happy memory and replaying it in your mind is a big happiness booster. Eight minutes of happiness replays, three days a week helped test subjects to feel more positive four weeks later! The flip side of that, to be avoided, is the rumination on past negative events.
- Negative Visualization
Like “It’s a Wonderful Life”, this involves visualizing life without certain things we hold dear. This is pretty straightforward when we think of our romantic partner, but could also apply to jobs or kids. If we think of all the things we would miss, it makes us more appreciative of what we have in the present. Similarly, if we picture a situation where we don’t have a lot of time left (in life, due to terminal illness, or leaving school at graduation) we focus on the enjoyment of what is important to us.
- Gratitude
By focussing our attention on things we are grateful for, however small they may seem (sourdough toast perhaps), we reset the reference points that interfere with our happiness.
Gratitude also has spillover effects. If we write out five gratitudes each day, our average weekly physical activity increases by an hour!
When it comes to relationships, expressing gratitude is good for both giver and receiver. Martin Seligman conducted a study where the subjects wrote a letter to a person they are grateful to. The subjects were then asked to present that letter directly to the person in question. Amazingly, the subjects in the study had improvements in their well-being that were still measurable THREE MONTHS later.
Gratitude is also an important predictor of happiness in couples. Communication of gratitude helps “smooth over the rough bits” that are inevitable part of a relationship. If you read Dr. Gottman’s excellent Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work you might recognize this as a type of “repair attempt”. Offering and receiving repair attempts is a critical glue that holds couples together.
In the workplace, gratitude helps improve worker happiness and productivity. In one study, worker productivity was improved by 50% after the supervisor thanked each worker in person. Depending on frequency and sincerity, you have to wonder how well this works over time. “If that lying SOB John comes over and says ‘Good job, guys’ one more time, I’m gonna…”
- Revisiting the Alternatives
If our current job compiling sales data no longer seems awesome, we can make a trip to the coffee bar where we used to work – where every second customer was rude and the boss droned on endlessly about his latest trips to the Renaissance Fair.
We can also take a look at things in a more objective way, not just the way we perceive them to be. A Range Rover might look cool, but what is its reliability rating? Do you think having your Range Rover in the shop for weeks waiting for an ultra-expensive part sounds awesome? Maybe our five year-old Honda Civic is just fine.
- Don’t Ruminate
As discussed above, falling into a negative feeling loop is a bad situation. Social media is a particularly dangerous place for trapping us in social comparison. If you feel yourself coming up to the edge of the pit, snap yourself out of it. Verbalize “Stop!” and close the app before you get sucked into an acquaintance’s album of Bora Bora vacation photos on a cold January day.
Or go one step further and delete your social media apps all together. I like that one.
- Interrupt Good Things and Slog Through the Crap
While it sort of boggles my mind, Santos presents research that finds folks find a sitcom more funny and enjoyable (on average) WHEN THERE ARE COMMERCIALS versus having no interruptions. {BTW, I really dislike commercials.} Back to those good old reference points, your brain gets reset by the dull commercial, so the next gag seems extra funny.
This same principle applies to other experiences – even eating delicious food. The first few potato chips are a fantastic flavour-fest titillating your tongue. Then the third family-sized bag is not as remarkable as the first two, and the “happiness hit” starts to fade. So the point is to spread out those good experiences. And now you know why I don’t keep chips in the house.
If you are shovelling crap, either literally or figuratively, the strategy is the reverse. Don’t space it out, just slog through and get it done. Otherwise you are faced with coming back to the task repeatedly with the same feeling of dread.
- Mix it Up
This is where the little things and experiences have it over bigger items like cars and houses. Creating variety helps keep our brains out of “ho hum” mode. If we enjoy walking, mixing up our paths and environment – going through a wooded park, busy street, or up a rocky trail to a view point are all different experiences. Even if we are on the same path, the way we focus our attention can help make each experience unique. We can notice the different species of birds and how they behave, which shrubs are blooming, and the shifts in the weather as clouds roll across the sky.
The two “rewirements” for the week are exercise and sleep.
Exercise shows more promise than pharmaceuticals to alleviate depression! And interestingly, it seems more effective than exercise combined with anti-depressants. Well, as my dear friend Larry says: “You don’t want to wait until you are retired to get in shape.” Taking that to heart, I have a pretty regular exercise regimen. Two long dog walks a day, at a brisk pace, coupled with some more cardio and weight training throughout the week. Making this a habit is one of my biggest health transformations in the past five years (along with going vegan). We mix up our walks and make decisions as a group (that includes Dusty the dog, who will inform us if a particular scent trail MUST be followed).
Sleep deprivation makes us crankier, less healthy, and dumber. About 35% of American adults sleep less than seven hours per night on average (which is the recommended minimum). Again, this is one the Caring Curmudgeon was able to do in his, well, sleep. Since turning 40 I adopted a regimen that some (all) of my friends mock. At 7:30 pm it is time to start thinking about bedtime, I am asleep by 8:30 pm and get up around 4:30 am. Every day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. No alarm. I am fortunate to have a spouse and dog that thrive on this schedule as well, and no friends to invite us clubbing on Friday nights. On the plus side, COVID restrictions haven’t been drastic for us.
Next week we will talk about meditation, and more strategies to get what is really important in life. In particular kindness, connection and gaining control of our time.